26 Breaking Bad fantasy basketball team names to soothe your withdrawal

(Heisenberg and Pinkman. Illustration courtesy of Tony Santiago)

It's been 13 days since Breaking Bad, the best television show of all time, cooked its last great batch of addictive goodness and drifted off into the big blue meth lab in the sky. And what better way to commemorate the drug-fueled adventures of Walter White and Jesse Pinkman than by naming your fantasy basketball team after the show?

Here are some Breaking Bad-inspired names that may or may not increase the bad-ass quotient of your fantasy bball team:

Better Call Gasol

• I've been seeing this one a lot lately. Pau Gasol + Saul Goodman = a name we can all appreciate. (This is the only name on this list that I didn't personally come up with, which explains why it's good.)

Light Treader

• Not necessarily basketball-related, but still pretty cool.

Barrel Pick & Roll

• Get it? Because Walt rolled a barrel in season 5, and pick-and-roll is a basketball term. Yeah... I never said these would be good.

Breaking Bass

• Every once in a while, Brandon Bass decides to be a useful fantasy player. This name is for those interested in forever commemorating his inconsistency.

Aaron Gray Matter

• Not gonna lie, I love this name. Not just because it's based on the obscure name of Walt's old company, but because it includes Aaron Gray, who no one in the right mind should ever, ever own in a fantasy league.

Odenkirk Hinrich

• The best visor-wearing point guard in the NBA meets the awesome actor who played Saul Goodman.

I Love Walter!

• This is both a basketball reference AND a Breaking Bad reference. "I love Walter!" is what Celtics announcer Tommy Heinsohn would yell every time Walter McCarty would make a scrappy play. And Walter, of course, is the name of our beloved anti-hero in Breaking Bad.

Meth Damon Stoudamire

• Todd, maybe the evilest dude on the entire show, was nicknamed "Meth Damon" on the internet because of his physical likeness to one Mr. Matt Damon. Here, the Breaking Bad sociopath is tied to the greatest 5-foot-10 point guard in the history of the Toronto Raptors.

Los Lopez Hermanos

• Who needs meth-funded brothers who provide fried chicken when you have Robin and Brook Lopez, who will frustrate the crap out of you with their terrible rebounding and occasional knee injuries.

The One Who Knocks Down Free-Throws

• This one is probably too long to fit in a name box. But hey, here it is.

Don't Trust Nazis Mohammed

• I'm not sure if this one works. Obviously, if Breaking Bad taught us anything, it's that Nazis aren't very nice and should be avoided. But Nazr Mohammed is such an obscure player, and the name itself is only barely Breaking Bad-centric. So... meh.

Pinkmanu Ginobili

• Also acceptable: "Saul Goodmanu Ginobili."

Johnny Flynn's Breakfast

• Johnny Flynn may no longer be in the NBA. But you can still give him a shout-out by tying him to Walter Jr., America's leading producer of breakfast-related internet memes.

Jesus Christ Mareese

• "Please, don't pass the ball to Mareese Speights!"

Yeah Bitch Kupchak

• For the first time, "bitch" and "Mitch Kupchak" are used together in a way that's actually endearing.

Have An A1 Gay

• 99% of the team names based on Rudy Gay are just... just awful. Why not use one that A.) isn't homophobic and B.) pays homage to Albuquerque's greatest money-laundering car wash?

Blue Sky Hook

• Walter White's work of art meets Kareem Abdul-Jabbar's work of art.

D.E.Acy

• In case you've never heard of Quincy Acy, he's the guy who makes this name possible. (How come the worst players are the ones with the coolest names?)

Skinny Pete Myers

•  One part skinny white meth tweaker, one part perimeter defender on the 1994 Chicago Bulls.

Let's Brian Cook

• Question: How awesome would it have been if they said "let's Brian Cook" instead of "let's cook" on Breaking Bad? Answer: only slightly.

Gliding Over Allen

• You really have to be in the right frame of mind to grasp this one. "Gliding Over All" was the name of the episode where Hank discovered that Walt was Heisenberg, and Allen could stand for Allen Iverson or Ray Allen, or even Allan Houston. (Eh, I don't know about this one.)

Jarrett Jack Welker

• The leader of New Mexico's formidable gang of Nazis is tied to the point guard of the Cleveland Cavaliers. Which is appropriate, because living in Cleveland is kind of like being held in a Nazi meth-prison. (Zing!)

Gusatvo Ayon's You

• Ayon is pronounced eye*own, so this reads as "Gustavo eye owns you," which would read better if not for the pesky Ay- part. Oh well.

Fastbreaking Bad

• I feel like these are getting worse as I go along. I'm sorry people. Maybe I need to smoke something first, you know, to spark my creativity...

Krazy-8 Bryant

• I kind of just tacked on "Bryant" to the end of Krazy-8, who was Jesse's original partner. But since Kobe used to wear No. 8, yadda yadda yadda.

Benekeon Clark

• Out of nowhere, I've randomly produced an awesome team name that only someone who is both a basketball fan and a Breaking Bad fan could possibly understand. It doesn't even matter that Ted Beneke wasn't a particularly loveable character, or that Keon Clark was never as good as everyone thought he'd be. It's the concept that counts.

So, there you have it. 26 names that flawlessly tie the National Basketball Association to the show that gave us six years of entertainment. If you can think of any more, by all means, note them in the comments section. And don't be shy, because yours can't possibly be worse than mine.