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| (Illustration courtesy of Fresh Doodle) |
I don't believe in it.
When I say that, I don't mean it in like a snooty, scientific "zombies could never exist!" way. Here's what I mean: I don't believe that if zombies rose from the dead and started attacking people that it'd be the global catastrophe that it's painted to be on The Walking Dead and in zombie flicks. Would it be a good thing for zombies to start indiscriminately killing people? No, of course not. It'd be a scary, scary nightmare, but I don't believe for a second that the undead could actually overrun the country.
For one thing, most dead people these days are either cremated or buried in an enclosed casket that would be more or less impossible for a mindless zombie to get out of. For another, the criteria for being zombified on The Walking Dead seems to be that you've just recently died; I never see a bunch of skeletons running around, and the zombies themselves seem to possess most of their primary organs, including the brain. I could see the country being overrun by the undead if literally every dead guy in the history of the United States emerged from the dirt and started attacking people, but that clearly isn't what's going on. Again, I'm not suggesting that it'd be a good thing for all the recently-dead, non-embalmed corpses in the world to be reanimated as mindless killing machines. But considering how few of these things would be running around on Day 1 (relative to the population of the United States), I don't think the zombie apocalypse could even get off the ground.
But here's the real reason why the zombie apocalypse doesn't scare me: it's really freakin' easy to kill the things. Yeah, I guess they're a threat when you're surrounded by like 30 of them. Seriously though: the characters in The Walking Dead must kill like 20 zombies per episode. Individually, these random ordinary people are able to mow down the marauders like it's nothing at all; the kid alone must have 50 kills on the show. So let's ask ourselves what I feel is a reasonable question. If these guys are able to slaughter zombies en masse, what in the world is keeping the military -- with its vast reservoir of firepower -- from completely annihilating them all within 24 hours? Hey, you can even take that component out of the equation. Just think of all the guns that are in this country -- think of the dudes who, by themselves, have collected enough firepower to single-handedly eliminate an entire legion of the undead. If any country is totally prepared to handle an undead rising, it's this gun-toting nation.
No, this doesn't detract from my ability to enjoy the show. The Walking Dead is pretty enjoyable, even if it's just not as good as Breaking Bad. (Then again, nothing is. Transitioning off of Breaking Bad is like trading in a Maserati for a station wagon.) But even if the undead suddenly shambled into the streets and began munching on people, I don't think the situation would ever reach the dystopian heights that it does in The Walking Dead or World War Z. Now... if the zombies could run or formulate plans, like the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park 2, now that'd be a different story.
By the way, according to a YouGov omnibus survey, 14% of Americans think "there is at least a small chance of a zombie apocalypse actually happening," to which I can only conclude that 14% of the population shouldn't be allowed to drink and own a firearm at the same time.
Oh, and speaking of the undead...
- Steve Nash had a passable night if you've lowered your standards on him. The former MVP collected 12 points and 6 assists at Houston, though he only went 3-11 from the field. Nash is shooting just 28% from the floor and looks to be only a fringe fantasy player this season.
- Steve Blake had a much better night for the Lakers, getting 14 points, 3 rebounds and 2 assists on 4 three-pointers, including a dramatic game-winning fling over Dwight Howard that handed the Lakers a stunning victory over Houston. Blake's averages are rather pedestrian, and offensively he'll only score on open jumpers and layups; in six starts, he's yet to even go to the foul line. Still, so long as he's getting 30 minutes a night in the Lakers' starting lineup, he's not a terrible low-rent option if you need assists or three's.
- Dwight Howard was productive for the Rockets, producing 15 points and 14 rebounds. But it was a quintessential D-Howard performance, as he also shot 5-16 from the foul line, which played an enormous role in the Rockets' 99-98 defeat. His numbers are definitely up from where they were a year ago, but like I wrote on Twitter (I know, shameless plug, right?), it's hard to be a franchise centerpiece when your teammates are instructed to never, ever give you the ball in the final minutes of a game that you're leading.
- Jeremy Lin came off the bench but was otherwise productive for Houston, putting up 16 points, 3 assists, 3 steals and 2 blocks in 31 minutes. Lin actually shared the floor with Patrick Beverley for most of the fourth quarter, and while his numbers are sure to drop now that there are more scoring options in Houston, Lin should remain a quality -- though at times inconsistent -- fantasy producer the rest of the way.
- Despite nearly losing the game for the Lakers by inbounding the ball to Steve Nash in a critical juncture when Nash wasn't looking at him, Jodie Meeks played well for the Lakers: 18 points, 3 rebounds and 2 assists on 5 three's. Meeks is in that Steve-Novak-when-he's-healthy category of NBA players; literally the only thing he can do is hit a three, but he's good enough at it that once in a while he'll put up close to 20 points. He's an unreliable fantasy option though, unless you're prowling the waiver wire for three's in a deep league.
- Blake Griffin had a quality outing in Miami, scoring 27 points and pulling down 14 boards. Griffin is one of a dying breed in the NBA: a player who averages 20-and-10. However, he's still only shooting 61% from the foul line and he's blocking less than one shot a game. So while his stats are certainly good, he's so far made very little improvement on where he was a year ago.
- A spry-looking Ray Allen scored 12 points for the Heat against the Clippers. Ray-Ray still gets enough playing time and still provides just enough rebounds and assists to be a serviceable player in fantasy, particularly in rotisserie leagues due to his fantastic averages.
- The good Nate Robinson came to play against Atlanta. Nate scored 15 points on 4 three's with 3 rebounds and 3 assists. Robinson is the type of player who should be on everyone's watch list. He's ragingly inconsistent and will disappear at a moment's notice, but when he's on, he's a dynamite contributor in multiple categories. Although he has a shaky role on the Nuggets (mmmmmmm.... shaky Nuggets.... grhrhrhrhrhrhrhrhrhhhr), there's not a doubt in my mind that he'll randomly be an awesome fantasy add at some point this year. When that'll be is anyone's guess, however.
- Orlando, Charlotte, Phoenix and Philadelphia all have winning records, which is surprising. Another team making waves: the Detroit Pistons. I'll tell you what, folks. Now that Brandon Jennings is back and healthy, I genuinely believe that the Pistons are a playoff team this year. They've got a fantastic frontcourt, and if Jennings can get like 16 points a game, they should have more than enough to be one of the eight best teams in the East by the end of the year.
- Oh, one more thing. You can now follow Broken Leagues on Facebook at an address that's easy to remember: facebook.com/brokenleagues.
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